Back to school, back to your relationship?
Something that can get lost in the media coverage about relationships breaking down in September – often this is the busiest month for family solicitors – is that the back to school moment is when many couple relationships can do with a bit of nurturing and attention.
I think there are different strands to understanding this. One is that our rhythm of back to school means that we have new energy and interest in September – and often a really good place for couples to apply this is to their relationships. We’ve heard a million times that relationships need work, and they do. It might initially not be clear what work is needed – whether it’s more time together, better communication, different division of labour or attention to repetitive conflict – but often a shared approach to reflecting on what isn’t working so well in a relationship or what might work better can be a really helpful outlook to have.
I do think that there is a need for parents who are a couple to take a moment for their relationship after the long summer holidays. All that is involved in the day to day of being a family and looking after children, especially if they are younger, can mean that it’s often hard to have an identity other than that of parents. These summer times are precious family times but it can also be hard to have adult time, and it can be hard to relate to each other as adults in a couple, who have a shared world of their own, rather than as co-parents juggling the practical and mental load and engaged in a long long conversation about who is doing what (or who isn’t). So it’s really important for parents to take a moment at some point to reclaim something of themselves as two adults capable of a relationship that isn’t focussed solely on their roles as parents.
And while holidays often make the happiest and most exciting memories, they can also bring up tensions. Perhaps when a couple are spending time on holiday out of their normal way of doing things, coming up against aspects of each other that they don’t normally encounter so much of, or even finding each other encroaching on each other’s settled roles or “territory” within the family. There might have been time spent with extended family, which can have both positive and negative outcomes, particularly if there are tensions with the in-laws (or with your own family – or both!!)
So, here are some ideas for how to give your relationship some attention as we move out of summer:
- Make an uninterrupted time with your partner where you check in with how each other is doing and be really curious about what they say. Simply that. It’s amazing how easy it is for this to get lost when things are busy.
- Notice any areas of conflict between you. Is there anything you need to get off your chest or is there something that your partner keeps bringing up with you that you are trying to push back? Remember that if we can attend to the conflict we have with each other that it can actually create connection and intimacy so it is worth taking time to try to understand what it is that you are each trying to communicate to each other. Be curious – “what is it that makes you so angry or frustrated about X?” And when we don’t try to win the battle to be right but instead acknowledge the different points of view it’s actually much more possible to hear each other.
- Take a moment to reflect on your physical life together. Are you having a physical conversation at the moment in any way? By which I mean, is there anything going on between the two of your bodies. I don’t just mean sexual intercourse. I mean are you in
touch with each other’s bodies, is there enjoyable physical contact with each other, are
you expressing that between you. If you aren’t, and that’s a change from normal, then take some time to be curious about what that might be about and to reflect on how you might restart that interaction between you. - All of the above are about engaging with each other but it also might be really important to give each other some space at this moment – to connect with other people or interests and reconnect with different aspects of yourselves which you can then bring back into the relationship.
- Think about whether September might be the moment to do some work with a professional in your relationship. It can feel like a big step but really doesn’t need to be. Having a third person help you look at areas that need attention can take the heat out of doing this yourselves and can be really creative. Therapy can be for as short or long a period as you like. I often find that couples who do a short series of sessions with a focus on a particular area of their relationship can make some changes quickly, as well as those who want to enter into longer more reflective work to understand the patterns they get caught up in between each other. If you would like to contact me about short or longer term couple work, please contact me on the form on my website.
