Getting to peace and goodwill – five arguments couples have at Christmas
A bit like the decorations, the same arguments seem to come out year after year in relation to Christmas. Transitions are bumpy and as we ‘step into Christmas’ we can see that the arguments we have can be bumps along the way to getting on better if we see them as opportunities to tune into each other. It’s hard paying attention to your relationship when there’s so much else going on over Christmas but here’s a few bits of advice to getting on the front foot with the issues that can blow up between couples over Christmas.
Different expectations
There can be so much going on in December and with little time to spare, our natural longing for our partners to mind-read what we are thinking can become the default way of operating – which always ends in tears.. Make time to check in with each other regularly about what’s going on and even better make space to have a roomy conversation about what your different expectations and wishes for Christmas might be. Even if you can’t deliver on what each person is hoping for, hearing each other out on it is an important start.
Tensions with extended family
Christmas is a bit like parenting. Everyone’s got big ideas on how it needs to be done. Nothing like each other’s families to have everyone have their idea on what needs to happen and different ideas of what are appropriate boundaries. If you or your partner is feeling apprehensive about the involvement of family – hear them out. Don’t tell them to “get over” their issues with your family. Being curious about what their worries are can help build a sense of working together as a team which can be an important insulator in relation to tensions around the family.
Overload
Nothing like all the different jobs that Christmas throws up to make one person feel overloaded and resentful. Build in a mini HR function to work out who’s doing what and make sure you find ways to acknowledge the work you’re both doing – and to own your part in it if you are the one who really wants to overload the system. This is one to have in early December to avert a meltdown on Christmas Eve.
Socialising
One of you may feel like you want to be out every night and the other gearing up for a long winter’s nap. Can you be explicit about your differences here and have a conversation before the event rather than after to try and make sure both sides are respected and to make creative ways to deal with it? Hoping your partner isn’t going to notice or care about your hangover when he or she is picking up the pieces and dealing with the kids is likely to lead to more stress than if you’ve made a plan the day before for how best to make this work for everyone.
Money
Issues about money this year are causing more stress and tension than ever. When couples can work together to comfort and support each other rather than turn the stresses against each other this can be an insulator. Make space to speak about different anxieties and plan a budget together earlier. Acknowledge the invisible labour where one person is shopping around to get good deals and working out the cost cutting.
These different issues do come up time and time again at Christmas but as I suggest in my book Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have, if you are having the same argument time and time again it’s worth tuning into the arguments rather than tuning out so that you can find a better way of being together – aka a bit of peace and goodwill…
Happy Christmas from me and thank you everyone for your support this year.
